I changed my sheets,

washed some of the dishes and sorted my laundry. I have so much to do today. I think. Sweep, mop, make those mock-ups, start building that app, meal prep and study for that test. I don’t know if it’s too much work or none at all. I want to jump rope tomorrow morning. Maybe do some strength training. I need to finish all my work before 9:30 so I can be asleep by 10. Maybe I can be up by 5:30.

I have so many things I want to say to you. I never get the chance to say them. It’s funny how you think you’re the only one suffering. It’s strange, I don’t want to tell you of my pain. I don’t want to let you in. Not like that. Not any more. Not ever. But I still have things I need to say. I need to tell you that I’m sorry for my part of the trauma. I need to tell you that it hurts when I try and it’s like nothing matters. I need to tell you that I want to fix it, but I don’t know where to start and I can’t do it alone. What’s the likeliness that I’ll say these things anyway…

I have no space or energy in my heart right now. Not even for myself. And that scares me.

One step at a time though. I have to do those dishes and work a little smart today. I need to keep moving. I won’t stay in bed till 3pm again. No. Today will be different.


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