I was supposed to be better.

I failed. I failed my test. Pathetic. I didn’t score half. I failed and felt so damn shitty because I was supposed to be better. I studied. I read and fucking gave it everything and I failed. So I went home and after some time cried a little because…well…. just because. What else do you do when you feel like absolute shit?

It’s just a piece of paper.

Just a test.

Just….something less significant than you think. Yet here I am, treating this like it’s some defining moment.

I was supposed to be better. I deserve better and so I have to work for it right? Work harder, be better. And nothing. NOTHING!

I’ve sat in my room for over an hour doing little to nothing because I just lack the motivation. Next I’ll probably sit in the dark thinking that I deserve better and should have pushed harder. Stayed up longer. Then it comes back. That stupid fucking voice.

I just needed to talk so someone. I just needed to talk to anyone. I still need that. I need to talk to anyone. I could say there’s no one to talk to…but that’s not true. I spoke to mum and it helped. Then no one for a while. Everyone was busy. I don’t know if I can judge…I’ll try not to…but they don’t get to judge me for being busy…Then a little company for some time at around 7:30 maybe 8…

At least in the end there was someone to talk to.

Thank you.

 

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