I’ve gone through a variety of phases in life. If you’ve read the previous post on negative thinking you’d know that I’ve had a distorted view on my body and myself since I got into primary school. Turns out my self esteem didn’t fare well in social situations.
However, now I am in a new phase. Yes, I still have distorted thinking and have worked hard in gaining self confidence and being okay with myself but now, I am too comfortable with my unhealthy habits.My efforts to love my body have lead to my acceptance of unhealthy habits.
I find it hard to find a balance between beating myself up and constructively criticising myself. I am not fit. Yes. But I will go the extra mile to tell myself that I have a horrible body (usually followed by a comment on whether or not it’s loveable). After that the next step is to : tell myself to shut up…I’m perfect the way I am (and then have cake for lunch).
You see, I am kinda tall. Not short nor too tall…just tall. I’m not sure how to explain it. I don’t look like I’ve gained weight and it usually takes a bit of time before I do, and what I do gain…I hide under clothes. I still look relatively okay. I look good. But what does that matter if I’m panting as I climb a single flight of stairs?
I have become too comfortable in my unhealthiness simply because only I have privy of that knowledge. Only I know how my heart races as I climb stairs or how much sugar and fat I’ve consumed in a week. Only I know how my body is reacting and feeling. They can’t see it and because they can’t…it’s my secret.
A secret I am more than a little ashamed of.
Yet, here I am lounging in this state. Too lazy to try pull myself out of it. Too afraid to do so. Unmotivated. Seated on my bed…instead of working out (as planned).
It took me so long to realise that I have grown too comfortable in my own unhealthiness. Too okay with it. This happens to people, for a variety of reasons. For some its because they don’t see life any other way and for others, like myself, it’s because it’s our secret.
Yes. If you haven’t guessed, I’m skinny fat. That doesn’t mean my experiences can’t help anyone out.
I have grown okay with my current state and that’s both wonderful and concerning.Body love is great but I am taking some serious damage and just because you can’t see all the damage, doesn’t mean it’s not there. It is. My lung capacity is almost negative (I know I’m over exaggerating but you know) and my heart…let’s not even go there.
However you know what helps with this? A good support system. Sometimes people get too harsh and that sucks but when you find that someone who is able to get you to see what’s wrong with you without making you feel like shit.
..kidnap them…never let them go. They’re the best kind friend to have. They’ll get you to see when you’re doing well and not so well.
Other than that…daily reflection and honesty. The last person you should lie to, is you. If I am panting as I climb stairs…I sure as hell best not sugar coat my thoughts about it. It’s not the day I had. Its my lifestyle.
Reflect and learn to constructively criticise yourself.