I know, every Saturday…but I couldn’t wait. There will be one on Saturday though…so two this week. Then back to once a week.
Dealing with #5.
I walk around naked a lot. I do this as a form to get used to and comfortable with my body. I’ve done it for a year or so now. It has helped with learning to be okay with the body I have. Which for me, is an amazing thing.
I can’t remember feeling beautiful or attractive for a long period of time (like a month). My thoughts and feelings about my body grew more negative as I grew. I remember being 12 and thinking that I was fat and ugly. I hated how my thighs jiggles and the stretch marks that decided to live on my skin. The sad thing is, this isn’t uncommon for people.
I was 12. It was the summer I got fat. I jiggled and was chubby. I was covered in stretch marks and though I didn’t really know what cellulite was, I was pretty sure I had a serious case of it. I was 12, I thought I was fat…yet, I wasn’t.
I was a size, small.
Yet there I was…calling myself all sorts of negative things. When I looked in the mirror, I saw something that was far from beautiful. I had a growth spurt and couldn’t understand it. I didn’t know why I got bigger. I was used to being very skinny…yet even then I wasn’t happy. All the comments on how I need to eat more…all the skinny shaming…got to me.
I thought it was because I spent the summer doing nothing and had stopped playing sports as often. Of course this was part of the reason but puberty was too.
I never felt beautiful in high school or when I did IB, nor do I feel beautiful now. It comes, for what feels like fleeting moments, that feeling of beauty. It always has. I just wish it could stay. However, it doesn’t and my negative thinking keeps me company.
I still see myself as bigger than I really am and once in a while, I see that I am beautiful the way I am. However these negative thoughts are a hindrance to a health lifestyle. They motivate and demotivate me. They have me working hard looking for happiness or some sort of perfection then they beat me to the ground and have me laze around.
I’m not beautiful so why try? I’ve always been this way. I don’t run. I’d rather fries.
Prove them wrong!
That’s not the point though is it? The point of all of this isn’t to prove the voices wrong. It’s to get them on my side. The voices, they are me. I need to get all of me on my side. Get those negative thoughts to leave because as long as they are here…I will keep taking one step forward and ten back.
I need to work passed them. Show myself that these thoughts are just thoughts. Thoughts change. We all change our minds, don’t we?
I need to work passed them.
I need to.
They keep me hidden from my potential. Keep me hesitant to achieve and quick to give in.
I use a positivity wall. A piece of paper really. I leave a compliment for myself there daily. I was told to dress to impress too. I’ll try that out. I reflect on my thoughts and I am practising being patient and loving toward myself.
Walking around naked.
Compliments on a paper (which I see everyday).
Dressing to impress.
Maybe, eventually, I will feel beautiful more often than just a few times a month.
I will change these thoughts, they will no longer leave me feeling hopeless, worthless or all around shitty. Instead they will have me running to the next work out, not away from it.