I Can’t Explain It

I don’t want to do anything. I just want to sit and write or lie in my bed watching trash TV or Youtube or something, anything else other than what I should do. I should be studying…but instead I do this.

I should be taking every bit of this wonderful opportunity given to me. I should be reading for my final exams and my place shouldn’t look like crap…I shouldn’t look like crap. Yet here I am. Writing. Hiding. Hiding from something…

I can’t seem to explain it. Why I am so stuck. So willing to screw myself over. I can’t explain why nothing currently makes me happy. Though to be honest…it’s my job to make me happy. I’m not doing a very good job now.

I will regret it. I know I will. I am purposefully setting myself up for disappointment. It’s self destructive.  It’s disgusting. Here I am…tearing myself down…and so okay with it.

Why am I okay with it?

Why am I okay with this laziness and self pity. Who am I to pity myself? I don’t deserve it. That’s not okay. I’m just sitting…staring…waiting for 8 pm when I can have dinner and sleep by 9. So I can wake up tomorrow and waste another day.

Shame on me!

How dare I waste it!?

Who am I to waste such a beautiful thing?

 

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