Epiphany

“I do not want to live a superficial life.”

At around 2 this afternoon, I had an epiphany. After a night of sadness, that I spent writing in and reading my journal. It dawned on me that I have always wanted one thing: to be truly happy. To have happiness that comes from within. Something beautiful and full of peace. Something that (obviously) would take time to grow and nurture. At 2 this afternoon I said that “I do not want to live a superficial life.”

I do not want to be tied to material things.  I do not want to be petty and small minded. Access to so much knowledge, information and to so many people, and all people do is share and glorify superficial niceties. Shallowness has become too common in the places I frequent. Superficial friends, families, people who want, live by and define themselves by material things.

I learned at an early age, that I’m not immune to it and yesterday I learned that my friends aren’t immune to it either. I dip in and out of those rose coloured glasses.

When I was younger I was as material as they come, and after managing to leave it behind I have found myself slowly beginning to dip back into it again. This dip doesn’t make me any better than anyone who’s taking a swim. We all get wet in the end don’t we?

I refuse to live a superficial life.

I simply can’t. In that life I am engulfed in too many moments of grey. Inexplicable sadness and loneliness. Everything is wonderful, painted in bright colours, yet too empty. It’s too hollow. Yet some people find this fulfilling, but,

I cannot fill myself with layers of emptiness.

It will create voids, not fill them.

Yet here I am, dipping back into those seductive pools, testing the waters with my big toe. Is it warm?  Everything in rose coloured hue. Everything is bright, bold and beautiful. This time, I’m not going to join them. I refuse to drift within those waters. No need to test and see if they are fine. I’ve taken my toe out, dried it and put my foot back on the ground.

I will not, cannot and refuse to, live a superficial life.

I want to live a happy one. One that I can truly enjoy.

 

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