Its only the beginning…

There is something about starting things that scares me half to death.

Why don’t I start over. I am afraid of beginning things because I am scared that I’ll mess up. Nothing new said here, so why is this different? The truth is it isn’t. The last time I worked on one of the novels or stories I’ve been trying to write,or the last time I started an exercise plan, or the last time I decided to delve further into new aspects of my studies…I never finished. I barely got started. My fear of not having things turn out just right is having me stop making things happen.

Fear however is not the issue. It is me. I am a procrastinator and a perfectionist. I am afraid of failure and avoid beginnings. If I don’t try my best then of course it won’t turn out perfect, but what happens when I do try my best and it fails? Well it’s fairly obvious. What happens is I disappoint myself, as well as others and the truth is I’m not sure which is worse: falling short of your own expectations or falling short of the expectation people have for you. Perhaps that is the issue.

It is easy for me to rank the two at the same level or have the expectations of others above my own. I don’t want to disappoint.  Disappointing others on top of myself is something I’d rather avoid, however  most times it is my expectations that I should hold onto , the problem is, I don’t.  The problem is I am emotionally invested in making sure that I don’t disappoint others. It’s not a bad thing. However it is not an extremely good thing either. I care about what people think. I care about what they feel. I care about what they think and how they feel about me. However that is slowly changing.

Recently I decided that I should not give a damn about peoples’ opinions, and though it works well with strangers, once I know someone’s name (I might be over exaggerating here…) their opinion matters, and eats at me. Wrong. I take it and let it become something that can eat at me, and once I do that, I give it permission to cause havoc. That’s wrong. I shouldn’t do that. I shouldn’t let myself get hurt like that, let alone facilitate it.  I shouldn’t…but I do. How am I supposed to completely let go and ignore the opinions of those who matter to me? Even though they are wrong, cruel or positive? How? I try. I try not to let it carve a place inside of me but it gets its way. It shouldn’t. The solution? Work on it till it’s not longer a problem. The problem: how?

Either way, caring or not caring about beginnings still sends me looking for excuses to start over some other time. I don’t want to start over any more, thus either I stop quitting or I stop starting. The latter is something I don’t intend to do (and I’m half convinced it’s impossible)  thus I am left with the alternative: I stop quitting.


Midnight Butterfly

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